Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
