I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
