two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize