i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
