Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
