It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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