she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
