why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
