he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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