shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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