im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
