I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
