I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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