I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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