Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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