you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've blown a few things in my day
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
