listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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