I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
