I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
