I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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