Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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