At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
