i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
