Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
