i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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