He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
