my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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