your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
