I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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