how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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