Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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