I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
