its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
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he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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