I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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