Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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