worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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