I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize