This girl is more easily done than said...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
