Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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