i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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