He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
