one might say we're banned from that church
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
