just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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