Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
