I smell stomach acid.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
