they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
