This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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