he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
