A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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