Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
