Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
