My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
