I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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