did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
