saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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