Banned from zoo.
Again?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
